C0rk.W0rd

Irishman's Philosophy

There are only two things to worry about
either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well,
then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick,
there are two things to worry about
Either you will get well or you will die.

If you get well,
there is nothing to worry about.
If you die,
there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will go to heaven or hell.

If you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hell,
you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends
you won't have time to worry!

A GOOD Sense of Humor

Ok... so I've noticed a number of people taking a liking to rather untalented comedians (lack of talent is based on my opinion)... In fact, I recently spoke with someone who told me that they LOVED George Carlin and had tickets to see him in Atlantic City later this month. I thought I had met someone with a GOOD sense of humor. You can imagine my disappointment when they followed this statement with, "yea, I really hope he does the 'Here's your sign' thing... I think that's SO funny."

Wow... George Carlin... a comedic legend like no other being confused with the likes of Bill Engvall of Blue Collar Comedy Tour fame... It makes me a little sick.

The other day my dad, knowing of my absolute OBSESSION with stand-up, asked me if I knew who held the record for most comedy albums sold... Sadly... I knew the answer... and with a long face I said, "Jeff Foxworthy." --- Sometimes I wish I didn't know all those useless trivia facts. But for all of you who can somewhat relate to this utter lack of taste, or those who have that little bit of vomit jump up in their throat every time they here someone they 'used to respect' exclaim, "Git-R-Done!" --- Here are two "southern" comedians you'd best give a listen...

Bill Hicks --- Easily my favorite comedian of all time... a social satirist who some refer to as 'the dark poet' ... Bill is considered by many to be the comedians comedian and has been paid homage in a number of forms since his passing from pancreatic cancer in 1994. Bands like Tool, Radiohead, and Super Furry Animals have mentioned Hicks in their liner notes and songs. Bill's legacy has also found it's way into The Simpsons, and he appears in the Vertigo graphic novel series Preacher by Garth Ennis as an inspiration to the series protagonist. When watching the news, I often wonder what Bill would say.

David Cross --- I have only recently become familiar with Cross's stand-up work. I knew him as a supporting character on Fox's Arrested Development (recently canceled) and had seen him in some movies (not films) such as Scary Movie 2. Additionally, I had seen him compete in Celebrity Poker on BRAVO. Having known him from those appearances, I wasn't keen to taste his flavor of comedy, but having done so, I must admit that he has some Bill Hicks qualities about him. While certainly not a replacement, Cross is certainly worth a listen. As a skeptic, I have to admit that I was VERY impressed with his backhanded humor and laid back delivery.

... Those are just a few recommendations from me. I hope you'll give both of these guys a listen, and let me know if you enjoyed their material. I thought I would finish this post with a quote from Bill's final performance...

"This is the material, by the way, that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for the past 15 years. Gee, I wonder why we're hated the world over? Look at these fat Americans in the front row - 'Why doesn't he just hit fruit with a hammer?' Folks, I could have done that, walked around being a millionaire and franchising myself but no, I had to have this weird thing about trying to illuminate the collective unconscious and help humanity. Fucking moron."

I do not avoid women, Mandrake...But I... I do deny them my essence.

I don't have enough to worry about... It seems that a recent test of England's drinking water revealed the presence of the anti-depresant drug Prozac in the nation's water supply. Investigators insist that the quantity of Prozac is negligible, and that the Prozac present is too dilluted to have any effect on drinkers.

First water floridation and now Prozac... I'm with you General Jack D. Ripper...

You know when fluoridation first began?

Nineteen hundred and forty six. Nineteen fortysix, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your postwar commie conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard core commie works.

God willing, we will prevail in peace and freedom from fear and in true health through the purity and essence of our natural fluids.

Stickman Says It Best

Stickman theatre is a comic strip that has been printed in Drexel University's Triangle paper for many years up until recently. While I have my own feelings on the matter, that really is not what this post is about. The man behind Stickman (Bobby Miller) has his own website where he has posted all of his comics from The Triangle, and is releasing a book of the strips in the near future.

I was thumbing through the strips and found this one (bottom left frame)... it made me laugh, and may explain to people why I try to discuss issues and provide information in my blog, rather than writing at length about my life.

www.penny-arcade.com

Typically I do not take time out of my day to sing the praises of a website that features ads, but every once and a while you happen upon a website where you say, "Damn It, If only I could have done that". Well this week I had one such experience with (www.penny-arcade.com). In the spirit of giving credit where credit is due, I must admit that I did not exactly "happen" upon this site. A fellow Drexel student wrote an article in The Triangle (Drexel's Student Newspaper) regarding the site. It was part of his regular column titled Web Site-O-Rama (I think the title needs some work).

Though I haven't dug deep into the guts of the site, I have spent some time thumbing through the hundreds of comic strips, which are brilliant. The site was created by a couple of gamers who lay down their own brand of humor in the form of comic strips starring them, and various other inventive characters. I highly encourage you to check it out... especially if you're a gamer.

Here are some direct links to some of my favorites so far...

Comic #1
Comic #2
Comic #3
Comic #4
Comic #5

Post some comments with YOUR favorites!!!

Trojan Ads Abroad

For those of you offended or upset by Janet Jackson's mammary gland being exposed on national television, I invite you to view samples of the Trojan ad campaign currently showing overseas (including the UK). Watch these commercials, and then reflect on how uptight YOU must be if the British don't seem to mind this stuff.

Everyone else, enjoy the sexual humor :).

Trojan Commercial #1
Trojan Commercial #2
Trojan Commercial #3

... to anyone still offended, here is a news flash... you've more than likely shielded your children from anything and everything sexual, but despite your efforts, your children WILL have sex one day --- maybe even with a stranger (*gasp* -- just to piss you off). But we all know that that devastating eventuality would only be made worse if your child knew about the effective and intelligent use of contraception. THE HORROR, THE HORROR!

*huff* *huff* *huff* ... What A Weekend

This was an interesting weekend to say the least. Friday and Saturday nights were both spent at the Main Street Pub, but it was Saturday afternoon that held the most peculiarity...

After a few cups of coffee in the morning, my dad brought in the mail and tossed a folded mailer in front of me. Enclose within was a check for $13.98 which was my portion of the RIAA settlement over a class action price-fixing case (see prior post for additional details). Check in hand, I typed out a post regarding the letter/check for this blog. While doing so, I heard a banging coming from the laundry dryer. I opened to inspect, and discovered my cell phone. Though looking "physically" pretty clean, the internals were shot. For those of you keeping track, this is the second cell phone I put through the laundry. The first was my old Nokia which after I dried out and installed a new battery, fired right up and worked fine until my contract was up for renewal, and I could secure a new phone. Nevertheless, this dead yet 'clean' cell phone problem needed to be dealt with...

I have insurance on my phone, since it is a semi-pricy camera model manufacuter by Sony Ericsson. I think it was voted "Phone-Of-The-Year" by someone in 2003. Phoning the insurance company was pretty simple and painless. The girl on the other end was knowledgable and swift with a nice sense of humor about the whole thing. She said my phone would be ready for pick-up at the Cingular location I had requested. Before leaving the house however, I decided to finish up my post regarding the RIAA check, and drop a line to SlashDot, thinking they might be interested...

...I got a new phone...Same as the old phone…

... I returned home and checked my TypePad site stats. This blog had over 5000 hits in less than 2 hours Saturday night. It turns out SlashDot had picked up my submitted article. I had been foolish enough to include links to my blog-article, and it wasn't long before hits were coming in to the tune of 20-25 a min. Though I would normally revel in the popularity, I seemed to have underestimated the appeal of my own article. All SlashDot submissions are reviewed before posting, and I thought it extremely unlikely that my submission would be selected. Before I knew it ... the main page of SlashDot has a big header titled "One Man's Check From the RIAA" submitted by c0rk.

SlashDot.jpg">

I should have foreseen this onslaught and taken steps prior to the SlashDot publication to reduce the size of this site, as not to exceed my bandwidth quota on TypePad. Needless to say I didn't... but luckily I discovered the slew of visitors soon enough to thwart additional attempt to link to this site. I republished the image and the post referenced, effectively breaking all the SlashDot links to C0rk.Blogs.com. This knocked hits down under 1000 an hour and eventually below 100. SlashDot readers would have to edit the URL manually to gain access to the site, and the re-named article. Luckily MOST weren't that dedicated. The next step was to distribute the bandwidth. I made all the images on the mainpage reference external image storage locations so that the bandwidth being used was not entirely TypePad's. By late Saturday night, hits were hovering between the upper double-digits and 100 per hour. By Sunday afternoon I was down to between 10-20 an hour, and it eventually came down to 5-15 per hour. My normal hit-rate is between 5-10 an hour, but the average has remained elevated because refferring address information shows that many SlashDot readers are deciding to repost corrected links in their own blogs and self run message boards/forums.

What about the bandwidth? Did you go over? ...

Contrary to the opinion of many SlashDot commenters, I did not exceed my bandwidth quota, nor have I incurred any monetary penalties. Though this did result in the highest month of bandwidth usage by my TypePad account since I purchased the service in August 2003, I have not yet exceeded my quota, nor does TypePad/SixAppart have a billing policy regarding bandwidth overuse. (Meaning: I'm not certain I would have been billed had I gone over because although there are quota's listed by TypePad, there is no documentation regarding how to purchase more, or how you will be billed in the event of an excess.) TypePad is a very recent (August 2003) startup of the SixApart Company known for developing the popular Blogging Software MovableType. The lack of a bandwidth policy is more than likely due to the infancy of TypePad, though hardly cause to disgrace SixApart. TypePad and SixApart are both remarkable products for which the company has received numerous accolades. I'm proud to have been such an early adopter (I'm invoice #58) of the service, and relieved that I was able to thwart the events of this weekend to avoid putting anyone in a difficult position.

Now that all of that is dealt with, all my regular readers can brace themselves for more standard reading in the coming days.

5-FINGERS

WHAT DID THE FIVE-FINGERS SAY TO THE FACE???

SLAP!!!

::: HA HA HA :::

I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH!

WTF?

Who in the?..... How in the?...... What in the?.... HUFF... HUFF... HUFF...... WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I present Exhibit A (click this link to read the story!!!)

I always thought it ironic that the Nobel Prize was named after the founder, Alfred Nobel, who invented dynamite. Though it appears that this irony continues... this time nominating persons whom make heavy use of dynamite and other weapons of mass.... I mean explosive agents integral to the extermination of "brown" people who are trying to protect that sweet, sweet oil that western nations so desperately want.... i mean NEED!!!!! NEED IT NOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!

... for those of you too lazy to read Exhibit A... GW Bush and Tony Blair have been nominated for Nobel Prizes.... Say it with me now... W-T-F?!?!?!?!?!?!

Because I'm Too Defensive NOT to...

There has recently been some unpleasantness finding its way into the pages of this website... and for once it’s not from me. This post is addressed to the gentlemen from Kutztown University who has abused the commenting portion of this blog in order to label me an "inconsiderate prick" a "racist" and {gasp} a "white person". Some of my loyal readers may be confused about what kind of entry I must have made to elicit such harsh an inaccurate language. The post in question is located HERE... and was written regarding my displeasure concerning the Barsky Morning Show's removal from 96.5 FM as indicated by the station's radical format change. I suggest your read that first, before considering the comments made below.

To date, the gentleman in question has placed two colorful comments at the tail end of my post. Because of time constraints, I only have time to address 1 of them now. The other will be addressed in a later post. I will be pasting the text of HIS comment, and then my rebuttal so that you can reference the two easily. I feel that this will most accurately showcase the gentleman's pathetic grammar skills which though voiced in a casual venue seem to lack real understanding of how to form a clear and coherent thought, along with his convoluted logic. Lines from his comment are featured in bold, while my responses appear in plaintext. Here we go...

First of all Corks, you are entitled to your opinion, but to say that R&B and Hip Hop is garbage. Who the hell are you.

First, let me compliment you on starting things off with a bang. I didn't have to get more than four words in to realize that you were pretty inept - allow me to clear a little something up for you. The " 's " at the tail end of C0rk is there to express my ownership of this WeBLOG. You see, that's what we educated folk like to call possessive. You go on to... or wait... no... you don't really go on... You say that I am entitled to my opinion, which is a noble, but you never complete the sentence, or an entire thought. Read it again. Does it make sense to you? <-- You'll also notice that I used a "?" question mark at the end of that last sentence. It indicates for the reader that I am in fact asking a question. Despite this disregard, I will answer your question anyway in short concise sentences you might be able to understand. I am c0rk. I have a WeBLOG. I like writing down my opinions to which I am entitled in said WeBLOG. I, C0rk, do not like Rap and R&B music.

This year that so called trash you are referring to has taken over tha Grammies this year. So if that music is what you say it is then explain that?

You really should read-back everything you write. If you had, you may have caught the fact that it is understood that the Grammys you're referring to are the ones that were distributed this year per your inclusion of "this year" at the beginning of what I think is a sentence. There is really no need to repeat them at the end. You show a little gusto in the next portion, essentially 'calling me at' to justify my claims since R&B has "taken over" the Grammy’s. The problem is that this is a imperative sentence which does not require a question mark at the end. A question mark would make it interrogative, and it wouldn't appear that you're asking a question.

There were 104 Grammys handed out at last years Grammy awards (this year’s haven’t occurred yet. They're on February 8th btw). Of those 104 only 13 were awarded to Rap and R&B artists, the same amount granted in every other genre of music. I'm not sure how you meant "taking over", but the stats are certainly not indicative of your claim. On a personal note, I never really looked to awards shows to tell me what I should listen to. My ears tend to tell me all I need to know about the sound going into them. That is what I base my opinion on, not who the politically fueled Grammy Academy says is award worthy this year.

You can't because you are an inconsiderate prick with nothing else better to do than talk about a radio station(which by the way I happen to love now that they have switched and seen the light) and diss a genre of music that has history.

I think I’ve made my point in regards to this gentleman’s command of the English language, so at this point I will focus primary on picking apart his argument which is a lot like shooting fish in a barrel…

The problem here is that you’ve now reverted to childish name-calling, show that it is YOU and not I who is intolerant when it comes to other peoples opinions. As you can see above, my being an apparent prick takes nothing away from my ability to prove you inaccurate. I’ve read my previous entry back a few times, and at no point did I discuss the synthesis of rap and R&B, nor did I indicate that there was any lack of history.

R&B is a form of Jazz you asshole and jazz is a classic. Rock is a form of disco you asshole and that is a classic.

Every incarnation of music has been inspired by sounds from generations prior. I would be willing to take your JAZZ point even farther in saying that all modern sound owes a credit to jazz. I’m not really sure where the reference to disco music fits in though. There is plenty of what many consider to be ROCK music prior to the advent of DISCO during the 70’s. The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin… are any of these ringing a bell? Your point there is more than just a little weak, so much so that I can take little pride in pointing in out. I’m glad there are some more pathetic and outrageous moments ahead.

Before you start slandering music do your research.

Perhaps you didn’t get the memo. This is a personal WeBLOG that acts as a personal opinion sounding board. At no point do I claim that my opinions are facts, nor are they empirical laws provable on a home etch-a-sketch. Because the content of this site is purely opinion related, I’m not required to do my research to express my opinion, am I? Now, if I was attempting to prove that Rap and R&B is garbage, well then your argument might hold some water. Unfortunately, I’m not, and you look like a fool because you failed to take this into consideration.

I have nothing else more to say because people like you make me sick, thats whats wrong with society today. 

If only a white middle class 20 year old man’s opinion of Rap and R&B music embodied even one ounce of what is wrong with society. I think the problem with society is it is full of too many intellectually challenged individuals who start running their mouth before engaging their brain (assuming they have one).

And philly only had 1 urban station back in the late 80's early 90's. now they have 3 and you people wanna bitch?

I see we’ve made the switch from Rap and R&B to “urban”… I’ve never heard its described as that, but maybe that has something to do with the fact that I tend to dislike the sound of the music, and therefore avoid any stations or environments on which or in which it might be playing. I live in suburbia and must contend that the sound of Rap and R&B is alive and well here, so in that way “urban” is a terrible misnomer, and at the very least an unfair stereotype.

Capitalize the letters at the beginning of every sentence; I think that was covered for only about 30 seconds in the first grade because it’s pretty much common sense. If you missed it then, you’ve only had quite a few years of reading to pickup on the pattern.

You also seem to have missed the bulk of my gripe with 96.5 FM. I could care less about the format of the radio station, and even less about how many are available to the Philadelphia radio market. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I don’t listen to Rap and R&B. Why should I pay any attention to where music that I don’t like is being played? It’s the same reason I don’t buy Rap albums or pay much attention to the genre in general. I’m sure there is a lack of 80’s albums on your shelf, and that’s just fine. The bottom line is still my dismay over the removal of The Barsky Morning Show, and not my distaste for Rap and R&B music.

Fuck you and I mean that with all my heart. I bet you are a white person(you are a racist)

Your whole heart being added in on this one really clinches your utterly dimwitted argument. I might want my girlfriend to fuck me with all her heart, but certainly not you. Now that I mention it, that kind of thing may even be enhanced when done to the tune of David Bowie, Issac Hayes, or the late Barry White. Well what do you know, I DO listen to some R&B, just not that crap on 96.5 FM… ho hum… talk about taking things WAAAY out of context.

Friend, I think it is your final line which really puts the icing on the cake. It exposes your argument for what it really is --- a misdirected effort to silence the musical opinion of someone you KNOW to be white purely on the basis of his BEING white. Although I take great pleasure in busting your bubble over and over again, I’m afraid you did it to yourself on this one. Prior to this statement I was willing to forgive your comments, as stupid as they may have been, as just another detractor taking life just a little too seriously. Discovering me as racist is something I’m certain you’re very proud of, and I would congratulate you if your statements reflected my true nature, but they do not. Let me be crystal clear on this one. YOU are a racist. The logic implied in your statement alone indicates that regardless of our disagreements about music, you have deduced me as a racist purely on the grounds of my being born white. I feel bad that your penchant for jumping to such radically inaccurate conclusions will only serve to disgrace your character in the future.